YOU'VE BEEN WARNED!
My LiveJournal will contain mostly rants when I'm not in a good mood and that's fairly often, or just nerdy/dorky/fan-crazed obsessive entries. Sometimes I make sarcastic remarks/comments - so obviously it will be hard to tell if I'm joking or not but for the most part, I think I'm mostly honest about what I spit out here~
Also, don't hesitate to add me if you're interested - I am usually one who'll shy away from trying to add other people! And... I will decide if you're worth adding too! I can be less evil if you get to know me fairly well (even though I can sound real uptight/snobby I think or whatever) and know how to keep me on my less evil side, otherwise you'll probably be hunted down like an animal by me! '-'
This is my journal, and I am just expressing what's on my mind in my own possible horrible way, so view at your own discretion! I think that's the right term I'm looking for, ah well whatever. You can also follow me on Twitter for minor/more frequent updates (see my User Info) as long as I know who you are and not some robot/junky whore spammer following me.
Just in case and for those who are wanting to read my Coldplay concert experience only - here's the link to the entry; saves the trouble of digging through all my previous posts:
d-snowden.livejournal.com/2573.html -- (COLDPLAY CONCERT 13.7.09) After all, that is only the entry worth reading anyway.
Oh, and I guess this too:
d-snowden.livejournal.com/48574.html -- (SAN JOSE FANIME CON 29.5.10) My biggest geek/nerd moment in life that was awesome!
Isaaru's LiveJournal (R.I.P.) - isaaru-ffxi.livejournal.com/
Anyway... love, peace, and hair grease folks! And...
"Don't hit the door on your way out - I don't want any ass prints all over it ! ! !"
Even though I'm still planning on staying at my job, I still feel pretty depressed enough to worry how things will turn out or whether I'll be able to settle the way I want to with both school and work. Or better yet, being around on the work days when most/all of the people that actually matter are around. After all, my main reason for staying with my job is purely based on a personal level - which I feel very unfortunate that it has come down to that. Despite my endless complaints about staying for just a few people (idiots), I do honestly hate to admit somewhere deep inside in the void of my heart that "...and yet I'm really glad I met them."
Sure, I could just quit the job and tell people that I'll keep in contact with them and visit often/etc., but given my situation and the experiences I've gone through in life - those kinds of words are just things people say. It's kind of almost like a magic word when you tell a child you're off to go save the world, but really you're off to go sacrifice yourself in order to make a difference in the world.
One of my coworkers has already put his two weeks notice in, and he's pretty much the official first of our close group of "friends" that's gonna slowly start tearing things apart for us. In a sense I'm glad he's leaving in order to focus on school since the store manager doesn't want to work around his really busy school schedule, despite the attempt to negotiate. It's sad, but even if he uses the magic word and kind of try to keep in touch with us, I honestly don't think so. Even at some point he may even (almost) completely forget about us which I will too, understand.
Me being me, I've become that kind of person that really wants long-lasting friendships, not just people who will come and go in my life--I've seen it happen too much for me, even though most of those people weren't THAT important while some were. Those who I really enjoy spending my time with and so on, usually means I would want to try and keep them in my life and still be in contact with them. With my immediate group of friends and then my work friends, leaving this place will be even harder.
I've also begin to fear that I will be forgotten, and know I'm replaceable no matter what these coworkers of mine would say when the time finally comes that I leave this job. It's only taken me so many years to realise how much of a wonderful person I can be if things play out right, but I still continue to struggle with taking in those sort of sentimental compliments when they occur. At least struggling with my "self-worth" status isn't as hard as it used to be.
Maybe someday I'll find out if I'm really worth it to them to stay in their lives in the long run.
Recapping, there's a 50/50 chance I could keep going with them if I can somehow work my school schedule around for them and still have some hours to fill in the void during the week over at work. Even then I would only hope that I can work on the days where the right people are there. Here's to hoping on that I guess.
Another plausible cause of this depression could be that I've kind of been thinking about "my" end of the world moments that have already taken place in my life--i.e. losing loved ones over the years through death or just simply walking out of my life. I guess that could kind of go back to the first reason, so... yeah. Sure even after one day finally moving on from work I could come back and visit once in awhile - but it would almost never be the same again; especially when the time comes that they also move on as well.
Yet another cause of this depression could be that I've been listening to Lily Chou-Chou lately. Oh, that movie and its ethereal music and so on... This would ideally be a good Throwback Thursday moment, circa 2005-2006.
I kind of keep telling myself every other while during my day at work to enjoy and savor the now, before it's finally over or become a much more infrequent thing (going to work). I dread the day this chapter of my life will finally come to an end.
To start, basically I have a bittersweet (mostly bitter) retail job that continues to flip the pages of my life story and setting my path straight to somewhere.
To simply list things:
+ I am happy with this job because I am kind of doing something with my life and I have a slightly reasonable source of income.
- I am not happy with this job because this is a crappy retail job for lots of common and uncommon reasons.
+ I am happy with this job because I've met/made wonderful friends with a handful of people at work.
- I am not happy with this job because I've allowed myself to get too attached with people at work, despite my initial approach in wanting to keep a friendly but distant relationship with co-workers.
+ I am happy with this job because I truly do find happiness to a degree in seeing/being with co-workers that actually matter.
- I am not happy with this job because... I'm running out of other legit ideas, but whatever.
Any who, I'm quite mixed about my job but a lot of times it's just easier to tell myself I'm doing it for those who matter. Originally I was going to try and quit in late July to focus more on starting off my Fall Semester at San Francisco State University (yay), but I honestly have come to hate and realise that I will greatly miss this sick routine of going to work and being with these crazy people I've come to respect in a politely rude manner. So in other words, I may stay a little longer and deal with a huge cut on work hours.
I partially blame myself for letting this happen, yet I'm happy enough to deal with these suckers and maintain a certain level of sanity at work after dealing with shitty customers and such. So much for trying to be a more cold-hearted character but alas, what can you do~~
Another moment during my earlier work shift was when I had a slight reminiscent of my "Under The Apple Tree" times. I'm not so sure what triggered it, but it was quite an actual blindsided attack on my part so I started feeling a tad awkward. I guess some parts of the past will never let go of me, or I subconsciously find some sort of association with it. It's almost normal that I generally find some sort of association with a lot of things (which is another reason why I'm generally weird), but it's never pleasant when I somehow connect an actual unhappy memory with a now moment.
Hopefully I'll get over this soon, and then everything else I currently must face.
- Current Mood: distressed
- Current Music:Under the Apple Tree - Takeharu Ishimoto
Lately I've just been feeling so empty on the inside. I really must admit--I really miss my old days living in the online world of Final Fantasy XI (Vana'diel). Even though my memories of those days are slowly becoming a blur, I can still remember the feelings I had when living those wonderful days--happiness. Although I'm living a better life now today, I really just can't help but look back and gravely miss my earlier adventuring days. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry like a little kid until I can relive in once again, and sometimes I want to just tell someone my crazy/wonderful online life story. Ahh, I'm such a geek!
Whether it was those times in TeamYosha with my favourite buddies, or doing those endgame events, or even those partner-in-crime days with a once actual best friend. This was a life I used to have and loved doing. Those days where I'd just go to school and then power-walk my way home from school just to quickly log online and see the people I loved being around most. In fact, it was during this season several years ago I was living that "wonderful" life. As soon as Christmas starts to close in on us, it'll definitely remind me again how I spent those days celebrating it online with whoever was around.
Among having the most desired wishes, being able to relive one or some of those Final Fantasy XI days is amongst the top selected few. I could turn that game back on right now if I wanted to, but there is nothing and nobody left for me to be around for. The game is practically nothing to me without those special people that have truly made a significant impact on my life. Alas, we all grow up and move on with our real lives. C'est la vie~~
Oh, those wonderful memories...
- Current Mood: nostalgic
- Current Music:Blinded By Light - Masashi Hamauzu
Fuck. My. Life....for now. #$%@#%%^ and also fuck my brother for telling me how to run my social life or meddling in it with his nosy bitch face. So sick of his annoyingly idiotic crap I have to put up with from him.
- Current Mood: bovvered
- Current Music:Thru The Glass - Thirteen Senses
One of our three guinea pigs, Milo had passed away Tuesday afternoon or maybe earlier. He was the youngest of the three guinea pigs my siblings had adopted and the last guinea pig we added to our family. He was just a wee little baby when we got him, and was so tiny! He grew pretty fast over the first few months as he lived with us, sharing so many memories with him. Even though out of the four kids in this house, I was the one person who didn't really physically interact with the guinea pigs but I personally just loved looking at them and watching them live their adorably stinky lives in their cage. He lived with and loved us for a few years (2007 or 2008?) before he was taken away from us.
Anyway so, it was Tuesday afternoon around 1pm I had just gotten home from school and my brother came downstairs to look at our guinea pigs, and discovered Milo died. I was in shock when I saw my brother hold Milo's dead boy in his hands and it was just hard for me to believe. I also really couldn't stand seeing his dead body, it was just so sad for me that the cute little animal once filled with life, now lifeless in my brother's hand.
Going by what I personaly know and remember: We found out the next day after his passing from the vet that he had contracted another disease or something that had gotten into his bones, which explains why my little sister found him sluggish that morning before leaving for school--thinking he was just tired. I guess a simple way to look at what happened to Milo was, he kind of got some sort of cancer that got into his bones, and took his life away from us. He was seemingly fine the night before, so I guess it didn't kick in till that day. We never wanted to our guinea pigs to pass on that way, so it's such a huge shame he died in such a painful way.
It was so painful for me to look at, so every time when Milo's dead body was somehow visible for me to see, I'd always look away. My sisters came straight home from work/school and were devastated like the rest of us. It was sad seeing my sisters crying and all of us just being heartbroken 'cos we lost a family member that day. Everyone but me petted Milo one last time before we wrapped him up in a box and took him to the vet, so they can send Milo off for a cremation and spread his ashes around the place that does the cremation. I was really uncomfortable with the idea of touching a dead body--it was personally too painful for me to even do so, like seeing his corpse too. We also did the right thing and let our other guinea pigs see Milo one last time and acknowledge his passing. I wonder what really went through their heads when they saw Milo's dead body.
Even though I didn't interact with the guinea pigs as much as my siblings did or the way they did, I still really loved seeing them. It pains me to see Milo's empty castle now whenever I walk by their cages. Usually when I walk by, I like to look at them and briefly get their attention by waving my fingers around them. I decided I'd honor Milo by placing a flower I picked from our front yard and placed it in a shot glass. I'm still thinking about Milo, and it's hard to get him off my mind--being struck with grief and all. I mean, I knew we were gonna have to face the death of our guinea pigs at some point, but I never realise how hard it was gonna be--even though I knew it was gonna be hard. Words are just words, but feelings are feelings. I actually got to experience the pain and sorrow of losing a family pet member of our household.
My parents have zero idea about Milo's passing, as they don't care and have really only negative comments to make. My mother especially, never liked them and my siblings and I felt it was best to just not say anything to them unless they apparently smart themselves up enough to discover there's an empty guinea pig castle/cage. Even then, it would instantaneously turn into an argument and what-not if they were to find out. Asian families really can be a huge pain in the ass and heartless people.
Here is a handful of memories I can remember from having him live with us over the few years we had him:
- When he was still a baby, he got his head stuck in between the cage--the hole of the cage we had for them was about an inch all around and he got his head stuck TWICE in tandem after getting him out. That caused a lot of panic for my sisters when carefully getting him out.
- He was the one guinea pig that tarnished the relationship between our first two guinea pigs, Bongo/Chibi respectively, and lived with the second guinea pig for a little over half the time we had Milo before he contracted "bumble foot"--a disease that swollened one of his paws which we had to make arrangements to have him walk around on towels instead of the normal kind of bedding. We believe the bumble foot ended up being the result of his death after enduring it for years.
- Before Milo stopped growing, he used to "river/tap dance" for us whenever my little sister held him up close enough for him to touch the floor with his hindlegs, and would seemingly try to "stand up" while constantly tapping the floor.
- Whenever Milo and Chibi were taken out of their cage just so we can watch them interact with our house, Milo would always follow Chibi around since Chibi himself, loved to explore and piss/poop while walking.
- Milo's breed in the guinea pig species was an interesting one--Milo always looked like a walking wig because of his long hair that grew fast. He was frequently given a haircut to make it a little easier to deal with him and just to make him look a little nicer.
- While the other guinea pigs gnawed on their cage whenever someone was close by to get their attention, Milo gnawed and try to pull up the towels he was on to get our attention, even though it made no obvious noise but it was just cute seeing it.
- My most favorite moment--every night my brother would soak up Milo's paw to stop the bleeding and deal with the bumble foot with a chemical solution given by the veterinarian and it was the cutest thing to see Milo getting his paws "did". He just sat there patiently with his paws soaking in the solution, barely moving but just looking around. He was such a good boy.
It's a shame Milo passed away alone... but we're trying to look on the bright side that he's going to be cremated with other animals and his ashes will be spreaded along with other animals--so he won't be "physically" alone anymore.
R.I.P. Milo--you will never be forgotten, and thanks for the many wonderful and fun memories we have of you.
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Little By Little - Oasis
So a few weeks ago on a Saturday night, I was helping my sister's friend out with filming a commercial for Spencer's Gift--it was for some mask thing that you can smoke out of or something. The scene takes place at some house party thing so that sort of describes where we are. Anyway besides the point on that, I was lucky enough to get two of my friends to come along and while the party was pretty boring, I had SO much fun just joking around with my friends. Everyone at the party seemed so dull and just quietly casual for a "party" off-camera scene but my friends and I were just annoyingly sort of obnoxious and loud.
We were laughing so much and talking a little loud. Since my sister was there too, she kind of joined in on our conversations once in awhile. My sister does this "mating call" sound which was funny and one of my friends can do an imitation of Xena the Warrior Princess' chakram throw war cry, which was so funny. When I told my sister about my friend's Xena war cry, my sister competed with her and did her mating call sound. Everyone stopped talking and looked at us, and I was just bursting out laughing 'cos we drew everyone's attention.
I freaking swear, even though we were the most weird and awkward group over there, I truly and strongly believe we were the life of that party with our geeky and weird obnoxious ramblings. It's been so long since I had a huge laugh-filled evening with other people who can deal with my social awkwardness and stuff. I really hope I can meet awesome people like that when I move down to Los Angeles next year (I hope). I feel like I could almost be the fun part of me if I was with the right group of friends who are just kind of socially awkward as I am, and after that night it made me feel even more proud to be the ridiculous person I am today. I hope I can keep being more fun like this, so long as I meet and am with the right people to do so.
- Current Mood: dorky
- Current Music:Speed of Sound - Coldplay
Since it kind of all just officially left, I can't seem to find myself being able to go back and lead my so-called "normal" life. Living where I am now and just dealing with the usual daily crap has lost so much meaning. I really want to get away and move to LA--establish and have a whole new brand life. I want to just chuck everything I have here aside or forget most of the things I have here (I could never forget I have family here and a home). Sad thing too is, because I really don't have much friends or friends that I really want put so much trust into/etc., I'm willing to throw what I have here away. It's sad I'm even saying such a horrible thing... but yes, I ultimately do feel there's really nothing much left for me here.
I still have to complete my school stuff before I can transfer down to somewhere in LA and find myself a new life, but there is just SO much I have to and want to do before I can leave and not literally die the moment I hit LA territory because I don't have a 110% solid plan to survive out there. The biggest issue of all is money. It's ALWAYS money. Yes, I do get Financial Aid and stuff--but even if I get that, I don't even know if I'll have enough to help me get by out there. Even if I choose to get a job and go to school there, I'm not even sure if it will still be enough to help me get through. Like many struggling actors who worked their way up, I'm sure they had to get random jobs such as waiting tables before becoming successful in their career. While the future still scares me, I still want to keep walking to that and take up the challenge to overcome and live it.
Another sad truth is, going down to the LA area is almost like following the devastation that hit me yesterday but... 1 in a million chance you'd ever see it coming into your life again. No, I'm not doing it to follow a pointless story, but to break into the market world of acting. I want to make something of myself... and becoming an actor is something I can see if I constantly try.
The one most unexpected encounter in my life ended up being something so big to me. I almost want to blame fate (whether it's a real concept or not) for making such thing happen to me, but I also had the most amazing experience just seeing it the one way I did. I kind of lost almost a whole year of my life just being in this particular bubble. I can't watch plays or be at my community college the way I previously saw it ever again.
The other most unexpected thing about this whole thing was because it ended up having the same destination as I, I was moderately inspired from unfortunately knowing its ambition and goals. Inspired by the one thing that I'd say has emotionally scarred me. Isn't it ironic? My life lesson from this is that sometimes even the most unexpected encounter in your life becomes such a huge deal--whether you like it or not, and seeing it to the end like today/yesterday tells me I'm just a human experiencing the hardships of life. As Prishe says in Dissidia 012 [duodecim] Final Fantasy:
"The struggles we go through, it's the experiences that teach us strength."
I want to keep trying to look at this story with that quote in mind. If things had gone more my way, it may have been worth it but... it didn't and it's okay--because it has to be. Such is life.
I want to forget it all so bad, but I can't just do it with a snap of a finger. I can't erase what I've seen and experience. I can't just easily move on as much as I truly want to. I can't always have things go my way no matter how hard I try and be a good boy about it. The point of this devastation from yesterday was to slap me in the face and tell me the dream is over, the reality of it is harsh and it's meant to be this way. I honestly want to cry right now to let it out of my system, but I can't. I feel so broken. The simple solution I've been sticking with is just smile and walk away, keep forcing on a more positive semi-fake persona to triumph over the darkness of my true unhappiness in life.
I can't just sit here everyday and be sad, because it's meaningless at this point. When I get back to school full-time, I may even consider trying to have an evening job so I can be real busy, endure and fight all those battles to help me get to LA. This is like suicide for me, to just throw myself into the open fire and come out a new person. If I meet and make new friends, I will welcome them into my life but I think no matter what, I still rather prefer to be a busy man doing what I need to get by in life. I've had so much free time to have fun, but used a lot of instead to think so much I get so down.
Now, wrapping up this super /emo long rant about stuff, I want to once again acknowledge to myself that this pointless scenario has already taken its turn for the better, and I need to just smile and embrace what I can instead of always being so focused on one thing that it eventually leads me to getting all butt-hurt. I know I have so much regrets in my life, but it makes me a little happy knowing I am trying somewhere and somehow to try and be less unhappy and more neutral. Writing is my only outlet next to my screaming in silence in my head. I hope I can somehow continue to make my life and future better, so I can laugh and be embarrassed about this post something-years later.
- END RANT -
- Current Mood: depressed
- Current Music:Thru The Glass - Thirteen Senses
There's nothing else I can't seem to do other than just be a part of the nightmare until the gun chasing ensues. I'm really tired of having these nightmares--it's like I'll be in that situation at least once every week. Maybe my subconscious is constantly reminding me how much I'd hate to be in a situation where I'm gunned down or about to be. I must be repressing something... or I am really worried something like that will happen to me. Mustn't jinx it...
- Current Mood: Bovvered